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RPC-XXX "The Stagnant Educator" / Discussion
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I was gonna review the others but eh. I'll do that another time if needs be, but I'll say after reading them I only incorporated what I liked, and wish to express the description is convoluted and mentions a bit much about her family when it's irrelevant in that segment. i.e. it doesn't describe what's relevant to RPC, which is her anomalous abilities.
What I like:
- Aura's engagement with her family paints a setting (donkey, potato field, etc)
- Characterization of aura is good and should be kept and will incorporate into my iteration
- "But I think God is not going to answer us." is a very strong line which sets up her current circumstance well.
- Her ability to use her hair for constructive purposes before repressing them.
- This part
I want to apologize, i felt mad at myself because for my need to keep you alive, when only God should have the power to decide who lives and who doesn't. That people used witchcraft on you, I never forgave myself for that and i took it out on you.
is beautiful and worth adding.
What i dislike:
- Tell more than show. Journal being from her POV (i.e. not the father's) makes it a mouth piece more than anything.
- A procedure which has no mention of a disease nor a connection to the anomalous ability as a consequence from being cured. It's why I insist on cerebral palsy as it is relevant to a strong consequence and being deemed a demon for it, and most importantly the experiments log rely on it. Vilomah is included for their need to cure what's already known as uncurbable, so their mention isn't a shoehorn. If they happen to stumble upon her and save her from a common disease, then it could be any other group of interest.
- This part
My students are something else, some of them really try, they want to have a nice job to help their parents and family, they remind me to myself. This kid on the other side, Gustavo Hernández, he comes from a family with connections, he doesn't try and told me his family has money, I told his parents, now he tries harder, the belt is the only way to teach that kind of child.
while relevant to her being a teacher, is not very interesting or personal enough to connect to her character as an RPC. I added what I did in interviews to keep the teacher connection to the anomaly, rather than stray into her more mundane personal matters which is the case here.
What I like:
- Quote:
Seeing coworkers disappear in rural areas in “mysterious circumstances”.
Can be a really cool implication to connect to Vilomah taking in subjects to immortalize.
- Containment Modifications is great to use for more detailed containment of the subject outside its own segment. I did some of it myself but what you have her is worth adding.
- Scoring her mental disorders is worth including, as that is the case in real life as well.
What I dislike:
- Most of the psychiatric profile is superfluous and frankly boring. It doesn't add to the reading experience as is, and especially when committing to the format Jokezm haphazardly shot your way (which I'm sure expected you to adapt further).
- This quote:
The entity's observed detachment and flat affect are not indicative of cognitive deficit, but rather a deeply ingrained defense mechanism
Why is it relevant to comment on this in this manner when it's not something the reader suspects?
What I like:
- Quote:
A century is a long time to hold a piece of chalk doctor. I'm used to the scratch of fountain pens. The smell of ink. Grading exams, cutting stencils, organizing the curriculum before the rainy season ruins the dirt roads. For more than sixty years, my mind had a purpose. Now, there is only this room and the hum of the lights.
Great imagery.
What I dislike:
- The flow in dialogue is terribly unnatural. Dr. Bellard is very detached and is immediately forward with his comment about himself, so it comes off creepy and makes her reply seem defensive. In contrast to how I had her ASK him what's on his mind, in which case it was out of curiosity.
- The closing statement asserts the obvious and is barely interesting to read.
What I dislike:
- I still don't see how any of these experiments relate to anything substantial. Nothing about this is insightful about the anomaly, and the reasoning given to do this is insane as her ability wouldn't compel them to start shoving them inside the bodies of others. They'd probably attempt to have her use them to pick apart a device which needs surgical precision with dedicated tools given how narrow and adaptable they are.
What I like:
- Quote:
Yes….(Silence) when i was younger this "therapy" thing was for the crazy people, the ones that we're born broken, or at least that was what I always heard, that was something to hide, families felt ashamed and our church called it "divine punishment".
But honestly I think this is better suited in the journal, and yes through a third person perspective (i.e. her dad). No need to repeat to the reader endlessly why she's unwell.
What I dislike:
- Repeating her illness endlessly, again. If you wish to express it again, try by showing a particular mannerism that's based on that, or how she chooses to speak.
- Bellard is doing his job unconcerned as opposed to being someone who parallels those she has lost, someone she's grown hopeful towards. This betrays the theme, and not in an emotional twist but by straying away from establishing it in the first place. This leads me to a more glaring issue.
What I dislike:
So, I need to explain why I wrote this email to begin with. Aura is built up upon years of guilt and aversion to openly connecting with others. She has been deemed a misfit and a freak at best and demon at worst due to her abilities. For once she's accepted to an unlikely environment, where she lost what little she had of a purpose of which is providing for others.
Bellard, as I've mentioned above, is supposed to parallel Miguel's past with Aura. Their mannerisms while implicitly told, are about one and the same. They grew a connection close to that of her with her brother, and she had a chance to finally be accepted for who she is after realizing she can live this way. All of that falls apart after what she has feared for most of her life actually happens, and not only that but to someone she considers dear to her. We never hear a whisper about Carmen, and even if there was a connection it's not demonstrated. With Bellard it makes sense, without him it takes away from the intended tragic effect. In other words, what did she actually lose by making that mistake here? Because in my version it was tantamount to killing family.
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page revision: 0, last edited: 19 Jun 2018 19:38