Ghosts of Cactus Springs / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Ghosts of Cactus Springs.

Peanutmanington 22 Aug 2018 06:32

I like the level of detail and interworking lore a lot, but for me this isn't a very interesting anomaly.
Grammar wise everything is fine except you need to shorten your sentences, they tend to run on.
I don't have much else to say about this, so overall I'd give it a +0 atm

Retro_Paprika 26 Oct 2018 17:15

sense of warmth to her soul

Think this is the missing piece of the puzzle

onto a halt

On to, with "on" being somewhat redundant. Although, it can paint a picture of a slow stop.

The feel of this is wonderful. Gives a noir vibe, which I'm quite into recently.

Retro_Paprika 26 Oct 2018 19:31

Marion’s apparel is too in contrast with the surrounding environment

I think this works well, but consider the following rephrases, they may or may not interest you:
Marison's apparel is in too much contrast with…
Marison's apparel contrasts the … too much - …
Contrast between Marison's apparel and … was …
Marison's apparel contrasts background vividly -

The waitress had her notebook open and pen deployed, and is ready to take Marion’s orders as soon as she made herself comfortable.

I like the lighter intermission.

stood up and preparesd to leave.

He's better be trustworthy

brushed Marion’s cheeks at every pass.

Reginald’s personality a bit too excessively

Marion closes the cigarette case and lookeds at Reginald

Pretty epic dude

downwardSpiral 27 Oct 2018 16:00

Fix the minor grammar problems that others pointed out then post it.

Re: Pretty epic dude

Hellsverg 28 Oct 2018 03:08

I have but the official rule states that every draft must have at least 2 decent critiques in order to post it in the mainlist.

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I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."